It's been more than a year since I wrote anything on this page. It has also been more than a year since I read what I wrote here. I have no regrets neglecting it yet this page seems so special and personal to me. It does not matter to me if no one ever reads or pass comments on this page. I'm just glad that I wrote those things I wrote.
After reading the previous posts, I reflect back on the person I was when those posts were written and I realized that things are so different now even though it all happened only a year ago. When I wrote those posts I did not even know that i was going to get married in the year 2010. At that time, Brandy was not even born and employing Sokha was not even an idea yet. Life is so different now. I am an educator and a future wife. I have a dog named Brandy which really brightens up my life and also a person named Sokha who helps me care for my parents while I'm away. My life could be even better but I have no complaints on what God has blessed me with.
Since I started teaching, I have taught more than 600 students. Unfortunately, I do not think I have inspired them much. To them, I'm just an instructor assigned to teach them English and our relationship is purely an educator - student relationship and nothing more. If they bump into me in campus, they will greet me and if they meet me out of campus, they would either just smile or pretend that they don't know me. I am greedy, i want more out of my encounters with my students, i want to inspire them to be better beings. How am I suppose to do that if I do not begin to be a better educator than what i am now? I need to improve myself.
Time to do some soul-searching and be humble.....
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
That's the difference
Watching a child grow is encouraging, watching your parents grow is discouraging. A child progresses, and adult digresses, a child learns, an adult teaches. A child is obedient and listens to it’s care giver but an adult instructs it’s care giver to listen to them. Society questions unfaithful children for not providing their parents with the best care but society does not realize that it is more challenging to provide care to an adult than to provide care to a growing child.
I live with my parents and my patience are tested everyday. Today, I gave dad a hair cut and shaved his beard. It was fulfilling to see him look neater and younger. I was happy. Half an hour later, I lost my patience. Dad had ignored the clothes I had prepared for him and he took all his neatly pressed clothes and mixed them crumpled with his dirty laundry. It really upset me. So much effort has been put in to make sure that he has clean and neat clothes to wear and it took him five minutes to mess it all up. I was so upset. I felt like locking his cupboard altogether so that he will never ever mess up with his clothes again. But I can’t because he is my father and I must treat him with respect, not like a child. Such instances happen almost everyday.
Mom on the other hand is not very healthy, there are two ice cream boxes in the house that are filled with her medication. Due to her state of health, she is suppose to watch her diet. But mom never eats on time. She eats at odd hours and she skips a balance diet. She takes so little rice that she feels hungry fast enough for her to pinch food from the kitchen, she drinks curry gravy like soups and cooks noodles in between meals. I try telling her to eat right but we always end up fighting with her saying, “I’m your mother you know”. Sometimes, I feel so angry that I feel like throwing all the food in the house so that she can never eat those things. I even have thoughts about locking the kitchen so that she improves her eating habits. But I can’t, this is their home and who am I to deprive them of their freedom?
It’s easy for people to watch and catch our weaknesses and past remarks. Sometimes I wonder, if they believe I am that stupid to not know that I ought not to speak to my parents the way I do? Each time I loose my temper or have bad thoughts, I’m filled with guilt. Who in this world does not want to be a obedient and perfect child?
I live with my parents and my patience are tested everyday. Today, I gave dad a hair cut and shaved his beard. It was fulfilling to see him look neater and younger. I was happy. Half an hour later, I lost my patience. Dad had ignored the clothes I had prepared for him and he took all his neatly pressed clothes and mixed them crumpled with his dirty laundry. It really upset me. So much effort has been put in to make sure that he has clean and neat clothes to wear and it took him five minutes to mess it all up. I was so upset. I felt like locking his cupboard altogether so that he will never ever mess up with his clothes again. But I can’t because he is my father and I must treat him with respect, not like a child. Such instances happen almost everyday.
Mom on the other hand is not very healthy, there are two ice cream boxes in the house that are filled with her medication. Due to her state of health, she is suppose to watch her diet. But mom never eats on time. She eats at odd hours and she skips a balance diet. She takes so little rice that she feels hungry fast enough for her to pinch food from the kitchen, she drinks curry gravy like soups and cooks noodles in between meals. I try telling her to eat right but we always end up fighting with her saying, “I’m your mother you know”. Sometimes, I feel so angry that I feel like throwing all the food in the house so that she can never eat those things. I even have thoughts about locking the kitchen so that she improves her eating habits. But I can’t, this is their home and who am I to deprive them of their freedom?
It’s easy for people to watch and catch our weaknesses and past remarks. Sometimes I wonder, if they believe I am that stupid to not know that I ought not to speak to my parents the way I do? Each time I loose my temper or have bad thoughts, I’m filled with guilt. Who in this world does not want to be a obedient and perfect child?
Starting Anew
Off days are desired by many. Often, people wished that they did not have to work that much and they looked forward for their off days to come. Although we love getting off from work, I think not being employed is one of the most torturing moments in one’s life.
When I made a decision to not renew my work contract, my priority was to go back to Penang and to be by my parents. It was a noble act and thought but I neglected something very important when I made that decision. I forgot to prioritize myself, my own life. Being a dreamer, I saw many ideal possibilities and I held firm to those possibilities without putting reality and practicality into it. Everything was ideal but not realistic. And so, I left KL for Penang with nothing solid to hold on to. My 1st month passed easily, I left for a two month break in my second month. It was fun, I saw the world but deep inside, I felt empty and useless. I did not have high regards for myself, a twenty seven year old with no direction in life, no career, unemployed with a dwindling bank account. I saw myself as a good for nothing. Yet, I had not learned my lesson, I stuck on to my ideal thoughts without being realistic until I came back to Penang to face reality.
I have been unemployed for five months now and have recently been employed to work in a good environment. It feels wonderful to know that I’m no more a jobless person. My self esteem has increased. I remain as a dreamer with ideal thoughts but because I now have a job, dreaming is so much more easier, at least I have a source of income, I have something to do, something to contribute to society.
I have enjoyed too many off days this year, I look forward to experience the work load that lies ahead. I don’t deny that I’m scared to do what I have no experience in but I am determined to be the very best that I can be. Perhaps leaving KL was a right move after all? An opportunity to start anew, being someone which I never saw myself qualified to be.
When I made a decision to not renew my work contract, my priority was to go back to Penang and to be by my parents. It was a noble act and thought but I neglected something very important when I made that decision. I forgot to prioritize myself, my own life. Being a dreamer, I saw many ideal possibilities and I held firm to those possibilities without putting reality and practicality into it. Everything was ideal but not realistic. And so, I left KL for Penang with nothing solid to hold on to. My 1st month passed easily, I left for a two month break in my second month. It was fun, I saw the world but deep inside, I felt empty and useless. I did not have high regards for myself, a twenty seven year old with no direction in life, no career, unemployed with a dwindling bank account. I saw myself as a good for nothing. Yet, I had not learned my lesson, I stuck on to my ideal thoughts without being realistic until I came back to Penang to face reality.
I have been unemployed for five months now and have recently been employed to work in a good environment. It feels wonderful to know that I’m no more a jobless person. My self esteem has increased. I remain as a dreamer with ideal thoughts but because I now have a job, dreaming is so much more easier, at least I have a source of income, I have something to do, something to contribute to society.
I have enjoyed too many off days this year, I look forward to experience the work load that lies ahead. I don’t deny that I’m scared to do what I have no experience in but I am determined to be the very best that I can be. Perhaps leaving KL was a right move after all? An opportunity to start anew, being someone which I never saw myself qualified to be.
The Road Less Traveled
The Road Less Traveled, there is a reason to why I named it as such. When I decided to return to Penang, many had asked me to rethink my intentions. Reason being, life is going to be less easier for me. Yes, they were right and I thank them for being concern. If I had a choice, of course I would remain in KL, to remain in the place where my relationship with Leslie bloomed, a place where I have more friends who understand me, a place where I am familiar with, land of many opportunities. Going back to Penang meant re-adaptation and starting all over again, and perhaps loneliness.
Penang is the road less traveled for now. It is not an easy journey, a route that would not be a choice chosen by many. Yet, I choose to travel on this path for I believe it is a route that will not haunt me for the rest of my life. Yes, the journey is tough, I’ll get scratched and will feel the pain along the way but I believe that what I will be experiencing will help me grow to be a better person.
The Road Less Traveled is an avenue for me to express my journey. It may sound depressing and sad but I wish to jot down these moments as it marks the important moments of my life which will form be to be the being that I will become, all because I chose the road less traveled.
Penang is the road less traveled for now. It is not an easy journey, a route that would not be a choice chosen by many. Yet, I choose to travel on this path for I believe it is a route that will not haunt me for the rest of my life. Yes, the journey is tough, I’ll get scratched and will feel the pain along the way but I believe that what I will be experiencing will help me grow to be a better person.
The Road Less Traveled is an avenue for me to express my journey. It may sound depressing and sad but I wish to jot down these moments as it marks the important moments of my life which will form be to be the being that I will become, all because I chose the road less traveled.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Who am I?
Who am I? When I was in primary school, I was the odd one out in class, always blurr and very naieve.......I had 1 form teacher of which i believed hated me so much that she always found fault with everything that was in me. I did badly in Mandarin but excelled in BM and english, always kena rotan because I always failed in my Mandarin dictation. ....weired things do happen...I got B for mandarin during UPSR but C for BM......
When I was in secondary school,........ I came to discover that 'I'm not stupid' though i'd rather pretend to be stupid most of the time and let others bully me. Once in form four, a classmate really got on my nerves when she delibrately sat on my head during a netball game. I could have kicked her ass but thank God for the gift of patience, I just told her never to do it again.....like I said earlier, I was not stupid. I believe i managed to do a few things that ordinary students in my school did not get to do.......I got to play Hokey pretty well, was selected to go for state training, not many people knew about this but what the heck.......I was a school debater and i'd consider myself pretty fortunate to train under the guidence of Pn Tiong Min Chor......I did a few monkey shows on stage with friends like Juseleen and until today i find those monkey shows pretty amusing (I still keep the scripts to those sketches)......I did many more stuffs of which i guess only me, myself will consider as sweet memories because I lived and experienced it. I doubt people will understand how sweet my life was because they never lived my life.
Until today, the most popular question extended to me is 'Whats your race ah?' and at hawkers stall people will ask "You mau makan apa?", "You makan babi ah?", "you datang dari mana?".....it thrills me very much to shock these people by answering them in hokkien or mandarin and listen them apologize to me saying "Soli ah, did not know you are ka ki lang" and I'd smile back and say, "not really because I'm not a chinese but I understand your language"....
Now, I am a quarter centuary old, I won't deny that i'm still naieve with life. my life is totaly different from what it used to be. I don't look very different but I'm trying my very best to be more feminine and lady like. It is a struggle.........to tranform from a gusty girl into a lady.....but i'm trying my very best.......i still don't know whats the best career for me and I'm still searching.....
When I was in secondary school,........ I came to discover that 'I'm not stupid' though i'd rather pretend to be stupid most of the time and let others bully me. Once in form four, a classmate really got on my nerves when she delibrately sat on my head during a netball game. I could have kicked her ass but thank God for the gift of patience, I just told her never to do it again.....like I said earlier, I was not stupid. I believe i managed to do a few things that ordinary students in my school did not get to do.......I got to play Hokey pretty well, was selected to go for state training, not many people knew about this but what the heck.......I was a school debater and i'd consider myself pretty fortunate to train under the guidence of Pn Tiong Min Chor......I did a few monkey shows on stage with friends like Juseleen and until today i find those monkey shows pretty amusing (I still keep the scripts to those sketches)......I did many more stuffs of which i guess only me, myself will consider as sweet memories because I lived and experienced it. I doubt people will understand how sweet my life was because they never lived my life.
Until today, the most popular question extended to me is 'Whats your race ah?' and at hawkers stall people will ask "You mau makan apa?", "You makan babi ah?", "you datang dari mana?".....it thrills me very much to shock these people by answering them in hokkien or mandarin and listen them apologize to me saying "Soli ah, did not know you are ka ki lang" and I'd smile back and say, "not really because I'm not a chinese but I understand your language"....
Now, I am a quarter centuary old, I won't deny that i'm still naieve with life. my life is totaly different from what it used to be. I don't look very different but I'm trying my very best to be more feminine and lady like. It is a struggle.........to tranform from a gusty girl into a lady.....but i'm trying my very best.......i still don't know whats the best career for me and I'm still searching.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)